Awareness as a Practice

January 20th, 2012Sherpa0 comments

I’m still not even sure what “awareness” means. I think it’s something like “having an idea of what’s happening right now”. It seems to be a lot of “not paying attention to the stories you’re spinning in your head” but at the same time, “listening for and respecting that inner voice”. If one of my goals in my Childbirth Classes is to teach parents awareness, I think maybe I’d better cultivate a little more of it for myself.

So that’s my aim right now. As required by my certifying group, I’m to do 15 minutes of pain-coping practices a day. In Birthing From Within, pain-coping practices take up the first 30-45 minutes of each class. I can only effectively, vibrantly teach these methods to parents if I’m practicing them myself. And I can certainly tell a difference in my language and depth when I have been practicing on my own. There’s a deeper meaning and a more convinced tone that comes across in my descriptions when I’m guiding parents from this place of experience and knowing. It opens my mind and heart to curiosity, to go spelunking with my students. It really is a great goal to get those 15 minutes of practice every day.

However, let’s not forget my three tiny children who require my attention and focus 85% of the day (thank you, PBS and Crayola, for the other 15%). 15 minutes devoted to meditation is a luxury.

And then I realize how much my “awareness” practice can be directed towards my parenting. After all, what is childbirth if not a priming ground for parenthood? There are a million little stresses and anxieties and self-deaths that happen each day when you are a parent. A thousand tiny seconds of “I don’t want to/but I have to” that spin in your head like a revolving door.

Who has to hold ice for mock-pain when you have children underfoot, providing the perfect practice-scape for “pain coping”? So in my parenting, I’m tuning in to my words, paying attention to my facial expressions and noticing my avoidant behaviors (facebook, anyone?). It breaks me out of my patterns a little bit to start paying attention, to be aware. Instead of my reactionary responses, I take a breath, then respond. This is all very new to me, so usually the reactionary response still follows.

Was:”Mama, can I have a princess TV in my room?”. “No!”

Now: “Mama, can I have a princess TV in my room?”. (pause, breath) “No”.

My eventual goal is to bring more thoughtfulness, more intention and authenticity to this moment. The difficult part is to notice my behavior without judgment. I notice what I’m doing, and then the Critical Thinker that lives in my head berates me “Really, Holly, you expect to teach new parents when you behave so atrociously?”. I engage with this Critical Thinker just long enough to forgive myself. By that time, another moment has come up and another chance to be aware is already present. Here is the wonderful aspect of awareness – it exists NOW. The past is over, the future undecided. One breath at a time, one tantrum at a time, one contraction at a time. Constantly renewing your opportunities to notice the world around you, and your position in it.